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''A caught off guard moment''
Can I half my body weight and look like a different person?
I don't want to look like this!
I am actually trying to create the illusion of slimness by covering myself up with my arms.
Some hope!
I remember a moment in 2005 that stood out to me. The memory of catching a glimpse of the reflection of my bum and not quite believeing how far out it was sticking or the fact it appeared to be coming out from my lower back.
I was all behind!
I had never, before that, given that part of my body much in the way of worry time. Afterall it wasn't an area I could see everyday and I wasn't about to start positioning mirrors to see what it looked like exactly!
Well, not that I am going to admit to anyway!
My husband (then fiance) used to remark that somewhere inside all that mass was a little bum, and he was right (well little in comparison!) I could literally feel where my true bottom was!
Sure I knew the rest of me was huge, and I accepted that, but I was truly shocked when I caught my reflection and saw I had a shelf for a bottom!
I remember feeling like my heart had sunk.
I was embarrassed.
Angry.
Sad.
Frustrated.
This wasn't me.
It wasn't who I felt I was, not really, not deep down - but it was who I had become, and in a lot of ways we are what we portray.
I portrayed a very overweight, bordering on morbidly obese, youngish middleaged woman (without any wrinkles, as the fat pushed them out!) who if she didn't do something now then she may not reach 40 (cue dramatic music).
2005 was to be my very last year of just thinking I really need to do something about this weight.
It was my last year of making lists on how I could lose such and such amount of pounds a month and be skinny. It was the last year of not caring what I ate or drank. The last year of being satisfied wearing elasticated waist band skirts and t shirts from Bon Marche donated by my mother!
The last year of always wearing a coat outside no matter what the temperature.
The last year of high blood pressure.
The last year of high cholestrol.
The last year of cutting off my air ways from the fat on my neck.
The last year of bordering on being a diabetic.
The last year of not having choices in what I wore.
The last year of defining my worth by my size.
The last year of my thighs rubbing together in hot weather.
The last year of being breathless walking upstairs.
The last year of buying things in sizes I imagined I was, and didn't fit! (can you say denial?)
The last year of 'weight' self pity.
The last year of not caring about me.
The last year of gaining any more weight at least!
2005... end of my 'fat' era.
Enough is just sometimes enough!
DATE: 2005
STATS: 238lbs/17 stone at least. Size uk 24 top, 22 bottom.
Can I half my body weight and look like a different person?
I don't want to look like this!
I am actually trying to create the illusion of slimness by covering myself up with my arms.
Some hope!
I remember a moment in 2005 that stood out to me. The memory of catching a glimpse of the reflection of my bum and not quite believeing how far out it was sticking or the fact it appeared to be coming out from my lower back.
I was all behind!
I had never, before that, given that part of my body much in the way of worry time. Afterall it wasn't an area I could see everyday and I wasn't about to start positioning mirrors to see what it looked like exactly!
Well, not that I am going to admit to anyway!
My husband (then fiance) used to remark that somewhere inside all that mass was a little bum, and he was right (well little in comparison!) I could literally feel where my true bottom was!
Sure I knew the rest of me was huge, and I accepted that, but I was truly shocked when I caught my reflection and saw I had a shelf for a bottom!
I remember feeling like my heart had sunk.
I was embarrassed.
Angry.
Sad.
Frustrated.
This wasn't me.
It wasn't who I felt I was, not really, not deep down - but it was who I had become, and in a lot of ways we are what we portray.
I portrayed a very overweight, bordering on morbidly obese, youngish middleaged woman (without any wrinkles, as the fat pushed them out!) who if she didn't do something now then she may not reach 40 (cue dramatic music).
2005 was to be my very last year of just thinking I really need to do something about this weight.
It was my last year of making lists on how I could lose such and such amount of pounds a month and be skinny. It was the last year of not caring what I ate or drank. The last year of being satisfied wearing elasticated waist band skirts and t shirts from Bon Marche donated by my mother!
The last year of always wearing a coat outside no matter what the temperature.
The last year of high blood pressure.
The last year of high cholestrol.
The last year of cutting off my air ways from the fat on my neck.
The last year of bordering on being a diabetic.
The last year of not having choices in what I wore.
The last year of defining my worth by my size.
The last year of my thighs rubbing together in hot weather.
The last year of being breathless walking upstairs.
The last year of buying things in sizes I imagined I was, and didn't fit! (can you say denial?)
The last year of 'weight' self pity.
The last year of not caring about me.
The last year of gaining any more weight at least!
A determination came over me, this was it, things were going to change.
I didn't like the feeling of being so shocked when standing on the scales.
I had gained 28lbs really fast, and if I carried on like that I was sure to hit 300lbs one day.
So i started cutting down on my daily intake. I changed over from full calorie cola to diet cola. Within a month or so I was down 16lbs and I hadn't even really tried.
I really felt the loss too.
I thought I was on a roll, but it wasn't to last.
Still, it was a good start and I wasn't about to regain that weight - I was waiting for the real lightbulb moment, the one that would see me through this battle, come hell or high water.
I didn't have to wait long - 2006 is what I call my ''real weight loss start time'' as that was the time I just knew, for real, this was it, now I was going to do it - I was ready!
2005... end of my 'fat' era.
Enough is just sometimes enough!
